I'm not sure how many "I'm back" blogs I've written, so we'll just acknowledge it and then get into the meat and potatoes. No promises and no apologies. Just moving on until I forget my password again.
While I'm late to the story, it's time to call out my fraud of the week. It should be absolutely obvious to anyone who stepped outside on Monday or has been on the internet, it's got to be the moon. I thought about calling out the eclipse as a whole, but I want the record to show I don't think I'm tougher than the sun.
I know the only think that could defeat the sun is 1 trillion lions (assuming they attacked at night). You know who didn't know this? The moon. Imagine the sheer audacity to cut in line in front of a giant ball of fire. I almost respect the cajónes on the moon in that regard. But seriously, what did you expect. I remember the last eclipse well. It was the last day of summer before 7th grade, I was at a party surrounded by drunk adults singing Bonnie Tyler and insisting that we don't stare at the sky without glasses. My reaction then was "is that it?" As a college student the sentiment remained. It got sorta dark for a couple minutes, and the sun had a circle in front of it. That's cool, but have you seen Joey Chestnut house 76 dawgs in 10 minutes? Now that is impressive.
Listen, the moon tried to be bold. It tried to play a road game. Don't get me wrong, the moon is a solid role player. He performs well at night. Has that weird tide thing that no matter how many times you explain it to me I won't understand. But Moon, it's time to look in the mirror and realized your light comes from the Sun and you are connected to the Earth. Stop trying to be something you're not. There's a reason we don't send people to the moon all the time anymore. It's not because it's difficult, dangerous, expensive, etc. It's because the moon landing was fake. That's a joke, clearly kidding @FBI. While I'm all for a good space themed conspiracy theory (I will forever maintain that UV indexes are fake numbers made up by meteorology interns), as the defender of Ohio I can't do anything to take away from the fact the first human to step on the moon was from Wapakoneta, Ohio. One small step for man, one giant leap for the Buckeye state.
After staring at the sun, it was proposed that we go buy scratch-offs because we've never lost the lottery during an eclipse. I can confirm that gambling is way more exhilarating than an eclipse, and no one has ever had a negative result from too much gambling unlike staring at the eclipse. It gave us something to do and an excuse to be outside on a beautiful day. Just whoever you are, be it a celestial body or just a degenerate college student, remember... no one is tougher than the sun, the fucking sun.
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